Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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