had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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