I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
