I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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