ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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