I will die if light touches me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
