I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
