Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
