Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
