I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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