She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
