He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
why is half of my head shaved?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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