There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
