I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
