i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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