he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
