mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize