but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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