and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
