if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
