I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
