My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
