i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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