I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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