matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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