I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
