just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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