I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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