I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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