I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
