I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
