he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you inspire me to be a worse person
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
