Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
