from now on my penis is your penis
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
