2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
