trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i drank out of a bidet.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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