Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
