I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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