At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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