Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
