I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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