I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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