I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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