My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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