i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
