Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
