You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
