Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
