Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
