I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
