Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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