I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if only i could text you this smell
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
