I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
